Literally writing this one from the hospital before my kid is delivered. Some say this is unhinged behavior, but others, like myself, think of it as a true dedication to the game.
HOU @ NYJ: I didn’t get this blog up before this game, but since I’m so honest, I will admit that I would have picked the Texans so I won’t pretend otherwise. Pick: Texans
DEN @ BAL -8.5: That’s a lot of points, and despite my distaste for Bo Nix, I can’t deny the Broncos’ success through the first half of the season. They are 5-3 after starting 0-2, with their only loss in the last 6 coming in a close game to the Chargers. The Ravens are also 5-3 after a surprising 0-2 start with their only loss in the last 6 coming to Jamis Fucking Winston and the Browns last week. Big picture, I think the Ravens are significantly better than the Broncos, but in a week 9 matchup, the 8.5-point spread is too high for my liking. Give me Bo the Hoe and the Broncos to cover. Pick: Broncos
LVR @ CIN -7: What the fuck are the Bengals? Like, they should be good, Burrow is having a great season and Chase and Higgins are healthy, so what gives? The fucking defense is what gives. Outside of the week 1 loss to the Patriots (that was awesome), they have not lost to a bad team losing by 1, 5, and 3 to the Chiefs, Commanders, and Ravens respectively before last week’s blowout in Philly. They win the ones they should, albeit in unspectacular fashion, and this is one of those games. I guess I’ll take the Bengals to cover but something feels off in Cincy and if they lose this one, I’d have to imagine changes will be on the way. Pick: Bengals
NE @ TEN -3.5: As of 12:19 on Friday, November 1st, there is no definitive report on whether Maye or Brissett will start for the Patriots. If Maye starts I’d pick the Patriots in a heartbeat. He looks like the real deal and his mobility is a game-changing trait. If Brissett starts, it’s just two bad teams playing a meaningless game and is a coin flip. I picked against them last week and they covered so I’ll learn from my mistake and pick them to cover again, unconfidently. Pick: Patriots
The baby was born, and everything went smoothly. Back to picks.
NO @ CAR +7: Woof game. The Panthers went back to Bryce Young, and any time he’s your starting QB, I’m not picking you to cover shit. Pick: Saints
DAL @ ATL -3: I know I say this every week, but Dallas HAS TO fire McCarthy this week if they lose, right? RIGHT? The Falcons had a little hiccup against the Seahawks 2 weeks ago but got right against a Bucs team that had me fooled earlier this season. I’ll take Kirk and his gang of weapons to hand Dallas a sound beating. Jerry won’t do shit, though, because he’s senile. Pick: Falcons
MIA @ BUF -6: The Dolphins weren’t very good before Tua’s injury and it sure looks like they’re not very good with him back. Josh Allen and Co. would have to be 14-point favorites for me to even consider picking Soft Tissue Tua and the heartless Dolphins in this game. Pick: Bills
LAC @ CLE +1.5: Jamis Fucks. He’s not a long-term answer for anybody but my god does he provide a level of pop. The Browns looked clueless all season with Deshaun behind center, but when the electric factory got his change they looked like a whole new team. I’ll pick them to stay hot and win before Crab Legs Winston turns into a meme again and starts throwing interceptions at an alarming rate. Pick: Browns
WSH @ NYG +4: Jayden Daniels was the apple of my eye before the draft and although I still wish he slipped to the Patriots, but Drake Maye has me feeling like the Pats may be just fine. Enough about the Patriots. The Giants fucking blow and the Commies fuck. Give me JD and the Commanders to ROLL. Pick: Commanders
JAX @ PHI -7.5: I guess the Eagles are that kind of good where you don’t beat good teams but you figure it out against bad teams. The Jags are a bad team, so I expect the Eagles to roll face. Pick: Eagles
CHI @ ARI -1.5: I think the Bears are, at this point, what we should have expected them to be. Slightly above-average team, but one that will live and die with a rookie QB who can look like the next Mahomes one week and the next Drew Lock the next. The Cardinals took down the Dolphins last week and are a fun team to watch, so I’ll take them to cover in a game that could be a lot of fun to watch. Pick: Cardinals
LAR @ SEA +1: Are the Rams back? They’ve won 2 of their last 3 and Stafford has that offense humming like it did in **Whispers** 2021. We all know what I think of Geno Smith (he’s the Jeff Fisher of QBs), so give me the Rams to get back to .500 and win this in a convincing fashion. Pick: Rams
DET @ GB +2.5: I’m a Jarrod Goff believer and, although I do think the Packers will make the playoffs, I don’t think they are on the Lions’ level. Yet. So give me Detroit by a TD. Pick: Lions
IND @ MIN -5.5: Pimpin Joe Flacco at 39 years old is the starter in this one while 2022 1st round pick and physical freak Anthony Richardson (22 y/o) will be holding a clipboard iPad Microsoft Surface. What a world. The Vikings are still 5-2, but with back-to-back losses, SKOL faithful are starting to panic. Lose this one to Pimpin’ Joe and there will be real issues in Minnesota given their division. I like to think I’m an agent of chaos, so give me Joe to win this one and piss off the entire state of Minnesota. Pick: Colts
TB @ KC -8.5: Chiefs will win because that’s what they do, but Baker and the Bucs need one here, so they won’t roll over. Give me the Bucs to cover. Pick: Buccaneers
