Things are getting hectic at work with the new baby coming, and the Patriots are a dumpster fire, so my desire to do these every week has plummeted, but, for now, I’m still committed.
MIN @ LAR +3: Rams stink. The Vikings have slowed down slightly lately, but they are still better than the Rams. Interestingly, there were loud “Stafford to the Vikings” rumors on the interwebs this week that seem to have cooled down, but if Darnold throws up another dud this week, they will probably get a bit louder. The Vikings need this one more than the Rams do because they’re in the thick of a division race in the NFC North, so I’ll roll with the team that’s still playing for something. Pick: Vikings
BAL @ CLE +8.5: Big spread, but IDGAF. Desexual Assaultson’s leg blew up last week, so the Browns will probably come out with more confidence than they’ve had since Pimpin’ Joe Flacco took over last year, but this Ravens team fucks harder than Watson on a massage table. Pick: Ravens
IND @ HOU -5: I like Indy, but I REALLY like this Texans team. Pick: Texans
GB @ JAX +3.5:Vegas is reading a little too much into the Jag’s beatdown of the Patriots in my opinion. The Pats are a broken team and will be a doormat for the rest of the league this season, so beating them should be expected and not rewarded. GB is a significantly better team than the Jaguars and will beat them handily. Pick: Packers
TEN @ DET -11: Real talk. If the spread were 20, I’d still pick the Lions. Pick: Lions
ATL @ TB +2.5: Their first matchup was a doozie that went to overtime. I’m hoping for more of that with both teams coming off blowout losses last week. Give me the Bucs at home to cover and win. Pick: Buccaneers
NYJ @ NE +7: These teams suck, but the Jets have a better roster and with the way the Patriot’s defense is playing, Drake Maye will have to put up 30+ points to win this, which I don’t think the offensive roster, outside of Maye, can do. Pick: Jets
ARI @ MIA -3.5: Tua’s back (for now), so I think the Dolphins will put up some real offense this week and beat up on the up-and-down Cardinals. Pick: Dolphins
PHI @ CIN -3: This is the most interesting game of the week. The Eagles feel like a franchise ready to crumble, and the Bengals are trying to dig themselves out of the hole they dug themselves in the first month of the season. If the Eagles lose, Belichick will be on the first plane to Philly, and if the Bengals do, they will have to take a serious look at trading some assets and entering a rebuild. Give me the Bengals to put Seriani out of his misery and bring Bill back into the NFL. Pick: Bengals
NO @ LAC -7: The Saints stink and the Chargers are the Chargers. This is the least interesting game of the week and, on the off chance any of this game is shown on RedZone, I’ll look away in protest of this nothing burger. Give me the Saints to cover the big spread. Pick: Saints
BUF @ SEA +3: This should be a doozie. Josh Allen and the Bills have had some weird losses, but they got right last week against the Titans, so I’ll take them to ride that momentum and roll the Seahawks. Pick: Bills
CHI @ WSH +3: If Jayden was playing, this would be a great game, but I can’t see him playing given his rib injury last week, so give me Daaaa Bears. Pick: Bears
KC @ LVR +9.5: Big spread here, too. Mahomes and co. have not looked like themselves but they are 6-0 and that’s all that matters. The Raiders went with O’Connell last week, but it’s back to the Minshew show dude to O’Connell’s broken thumb. I can’t see the Raiders keeping this close, and my love for Mahomes is well-documented. Pick: Chiefs
CAR @ DEN -10: Shit. Ten points is a lot, but the Panthers are going back to Bryce Young, and that is not something to be proud of. Give me Denver to cover. Pick: Broncos
DAL @ SF -4: The 49ers are a hobbled bunch, but the Cowboys straight-up suck. If Jerry was able to check his ego at the door, he’d have hired Belichick already, but he won’t so he will continue to lose. Pick: 49ers
NYG @ PIT -6: I’m not sure how, but the Steelers are 5-2 and Russell Wilson looked decent last week. The Giants are not good, and their coach just got the dreaded Vote of Confidence from the Mara’s. Let’s see how ironclad that is after they get Watson’d on MNF. Pick: Steelers
